5 weeks

     as of today, i have officially been on bed rest for 5 weeks.  i am 30 weeks now, which is so awesome, and we are hoping to go for another 6 weeks... not on bed rest but that they won't show up until then.  my doctor said that if my cervix keeps measuring the same by 32 weeks, he can lift how strict my bed rest is (please, please, please!)
      in other news, tj has graduated!!!!

you might be thinking "hey... wait a minute..."

    no, i wasn't able to go to any of his graduation shindigs, which made me really sad, but right after his graduation we had a doctors appointment, so i had to leave my house anyway.  i got dressed and both our families went to lunch at cheesecake factory to celebrate.  it was nice to be out amongst the living.  it was also strange to realize how much muscle i have lost in my legs, stomach and arms.  this photo shows one of the very few times i was standing up and i was feeling so weak that i welcomed a nice chair or bench.  after my doctors appointment i was so tuckered out that i took a 4 hour nap.  i have become a 90 year old man over night, well over six weeks.
    more importantly, tj is done with school!!!!  i am so proud of him because not only did he get his MBA but he was an incredible student and was very involved in the program.  about three years ago we were having a discussion about whether or not he should get his MBA.  we were looking at our different options and the many ways that one could receive the degree.  we came to the conclusion that if he was going to do it, he was going go full out, full time, quit job and move anywhere that we needed to go.  and he did it and it was an amazing experience for both of us.  now we have seattle, amazon and the twins in our future.  the future is looking bright and exciting.
      anyway, thank you for all of your prayers and service that you have sent our way.  keep those prayers coming, because i know that they have been a huge reason that our little guys haven't shown up yet.

let's talk about bed rest, shall we?

         as i was trying to google photos of women on bed rest, all i could find were these beautiful, smiling chosen vessels in cute pajamas that match, their hair done, make-up on and holding books like pride and prejudice.  well ok, that's what i'm going to give you.  when you think of me on bed rest, just think of me like this:

because this is exactly what i look like right now.
       so how did we get here you ask?  i won't give you the long drawn out story but after one week on modified bed rest, a couple of days stay in the hospital to monitor me and slow down contractions, some steroid shots to strengthen my little men's lungs just in case they want to show up early, i am officially on bed rest with bathroom privileges (i guess, for some of us, we get the privilege to go to the bathroom when needed, and for that i am grateful).
        the most important thing is that the boys are doing great, they are growing like they should and staying active.  the whole problem is me and my incompetent cervix which shortens and funnels when i stand, so as long as i stay off of my feet, we should be ok.
          normally when people hear about being on bed rest (me included before all these little shenanigans happened) they say "oh i would LOVE to quit my job and school and just lay around all day in my jammies and watch movies", and i don't blame them for feeling that way, but it is so much different than that.  the emotions that are involved with bed rest range from tired, bored, guilt if you ever have to get out of bed, fear, feeling trapped and the loss of independence has to be one of the most frustrating things.  the one thing that makes me lucky is that i've never had trouble being alone so i haven't been effected by the whole loneliness thing.  not yet, at least.
        this morning, as i was blog stalking and seeing what was going on in the facebook world (realized it was april fools day and vowing never to look at facebook on this day because it's just a bunch of unfunny april fools status') i also had to write my professors and let them know that i had to drop out of their classes, i went through a phase of frustration and a little bit of "poor me" crap.  call this what you will, cheesy, stupid, dramatic but Adele's version of  "make you feel my love" came on pandora.  i always loved this song as a song for someone that you're in a relationship with, but when i heard it today i thought of it from a mothers perspective to her children and it was exactly what i needed to hear to give me a more of the eternal perspective i needed and how much i love these boys and that i would do anything for them.  it made me realize how stupid i was being and made me love them even more.  i know that i'm a mom now and that sacrifices have to be made and you know what?  i'm feeling a lot better.  thank you adele.
            so there is your cheesy moment for the day.  so no one feel sorry for us, all i ask is that you keep us in your prayers because even though we are so excited to see these chubby little guys, we don't want to see them for at least another eight weeks.